Where Is Your Heart?
by Russet022
Summary: A songfic from Tonks' point of view set during HBP.


Where Is Your Heart?

A/N: This is a stream of consciousness from Tonks' point of view. She's hurt and confused, and her thoughts are all jumbled up. She's turning them over in her mind. The lyrics inspired me to write the fic. The song is number seven on Kelly Clarkson's CD _Breakaway_. I typed the lyrics by ear, so if something doesn't match what the lyrics in the CD say, I apologize. I do not own the song, Tonks, or any of the other characters mentioned. "He" is Remus. Many thanks to Shadow for typing this while I was busy.

Nymphadora Tonks lay on her bed late at night, trying to ignore the thoughts that filled her head. All she wanted was to sleep. When she was asleep, she did not have to think about him. Only then could she accept the picture her mind had built of his worry-lined face; his guarded, wary eyes; the grace of his movements; and the brightness of his smile. His smile was like the breaking of the sun through the clouds, a rare glimpse of who he once was. Only in dreams could she believe in the softening of his expression when he saw her. Awake, she knew it was no more than concern for a friend.

_I don't believe/ in the smile that you leave/ when you walk away/ and say good-bye._

Sometimes she wondered if he even cared. Her whole world depended on a word or smile from him and he avoided her. There had been an Order meeting that evening, and he had not even glanced her way. The others, especially Molly Weasley, had tried to place him where he had to at least say hello, but he had spent dinner speaking to Arthur Weasley and Kingsley Shacklebolt. He did not look across the table at her once.

_I don't expect/ the world to move underneath me/ but for God's sake/ could you try?_

It wasn't like he had anyone else. Well, he had friends, but there was no one he loved. Everyone knew he liked her. It was obvious in the way he watched her during the rare times she wasn't watching him. It showed because he cared enough about her happiness to want to protect her from himself.

_I know that you're true to me/ you're always there/ you say you care/ I know that you wanna be mine._

But if he cared, why wouldn't he listen to her? _Where is your heart/ 'Cause I don't really feel you._

If he really cared, why wouldn't he look her in the eye when he said so? _Where is your heart/ What I really want is to believe you._

Why did he say he was doing what was best, when it hurt so much? _Is it so hard/ to give me what I need? _

If he would only try to imagine himself in my place…_I want your heart to bleed/_

_That's all I'm asking for/ Where is your heart?_

Tonks rolled over, trying to get comfortable. But the thoughts kept coming. Everything she wanted to say to him, the same things that she kept to herself, filled her head. She threw it at her mental image of him, willing him to go away. It made no sense. He wanted her friendship, but when she asked for something more, he pulled away. He hid himself behind a mask; he gave her nothing but dreams.

_I don't understand/ your love is so cold/ it's always me who's reaching out/ for your hand._

She wondered if he ever thought about her like this, if he ever dreamed of her like she dreamed of him. Love should be like that, she thought. Love should be a dream, happiness and compromise. It shouldn't rip you apart and leave you scattered, like leaves in the wind. If only she could sleep. He dreams gave her comfort.

_And I've always dreamed/ that love would be effortless/ Like a petal falling to the ground/ a dreamer following his dream._

Why did it seem like he never truly looked at her? _Where is your heart/ 'Cause I don't really feel you._

Why did he promise to help, when neither could say how they felt? _Where is your heart/ What I really want is to believe you._

Why was he so afraid to hurt her? What he was doing already hurt. _Is it so hard/ to give me what I need? _

If only he could understand her pain…_I want your heart to bleed/_

_That's all I'm asking for/ Where is your heart?_

She wished that she was confident enough to talk to him. He always listened, but she could not say what she needed to tell him. She knew this was because he never told her anything. He listened but said nothing. If he ever wanted to say anything to her, she would listen, for once, with fierce attention. She would give him the quiet respect he gave her when she poured out the less personal, less painful, parts of her heart.

_It seems so much is left unsaid/ but you can say anything/ oh, anytime you need/ Baby, it's just you and me._

Their friends often told him that she was right. They could see the pain he was causing her with his feigned indifference. What was he afraid of? He was only hurting himself, and her.

_I know that you're true to me/ you're always there/ you say you care/ I know that you wanna be mine._

Tonks slowly drifted off to sleep, her dreams as sweet as she had anticipated. But when she woke, nothing had changed. He was still a living dream, something unattainable. He stayed distant, cold, and alone. They were both always alone.

_Where is your heart/ 'Cause I don't really feel you/ where is your heart/ What I really want is to believe you/ Is it so hard/ to give me what I need/ I want your heart to bleed/ that's all I'm asking for/ Where is your heart?_


End file.
